I know we say it all the time but this year is flying. It seems like no time at all since my last post which was just over three months ago, or to put it another way, one quarter of the year.
It’s been an eventful 3 months for me but it’s taken me a long time to be able to put it in words.
What Happened?
My last post was at the end of April, just a few days before I had planned to complete my second Audax of the year. That didn’t go at all according to plan. The event was scheduled for Sunday 26th April but on the Saturday I had a massive panic attack about being able to do it and I ended up pulling out at 6am on the Sunday morning after a night of broken sleep and bad dreams. During the Sunday itself I had a complete meltdown! It was as bad a mental health experience as I’ve ever had and unfortunately, Catriona bore the brunt of it. I’m just thankful that she was so understanding and supportive as it was pretty ugly and I said and did things that I am far from proud of. Ever since I have been grateful every day for the love and support she gave me that weekend and in the months since.
Counselling
That weekend gave me a real scare. It shocked me how far I’d let myself go and it shocked me that I came very close to destroying my relationship with Catriona. My mental health had deteriorated gradually over a long period of time and it took that weekend to also shock me into action. Over the years I have tried a couple of different counsellors but a combination of lack of effort on my part and an inability to connect with the counsellor meant it never worked. However, this time was different. I found a counselling service online that is sponsored by the HSE (Ireland’s Health Service) called turn2me. This company provide 6 free counselling sessions with an online counsellor. I was dubious about how successful online, rather than in-person, counselling could be but at this point I was desperate and ready to try anything. The best part though was that I was able to start that same week.
They put me in touch with a guy called Paul and every Monday at 7pm we had an hour together over video. Paul was great and we connected very quickly on the first appointment. I felt very comfortable with him and pretty much vomited out all my issues in that first session which was pretty draining. Over the next 5 weeks Paul worked with me to identify how I was feeling, why I was feeling and behaving the way I was and gave me a lot of skills and techniques to finally begin to cope better and build myself back to where I want to be.
It hasn’t been all plain sailing. I had a bit of a wobble at the beginning of June and I’ve found the last couple of weeks a bit difficult but the key now is that I have ways of recognising and accepting how I feel and ways of coping and dealing with the feelings that don’t make me happy. I have a lot of work still to do but I’m confident that I can make progress and feeling better than I have for quite a long time.
That first week was pretty difficult. The amount of mental energy I had was severely limited and the weekend previous had left me feeling completely drained. I quickly realised that I was trying to juggle way too many things and that something(s) had to give. The priorities had to be my own mental health, my relationship with my family and work. I cut everything else. Cycling can and has been, a valuable tool to help my mental health but I’d somehow transformed it into another metric to measure myself against. I went from the 100km Audax Challenge to the Festive 500 and back to riding 200km events and setting personal challenges that I just wasn’t ready for. Cycling was no longer a relaxing and enjoyable hobby, it had become another stress point in my life that I had created and was beating myself up over.
Cycling
In the end I think I took nearly two weeks off the bike. I needed the time to reset and change my attitude towards cycling. I needed to get back to it being something I did for fun rather than to hit an arbitrary number or challenge. I also decided that Audax is no longer the thing for me (for now at least) and left all the Audax WhatsApp Groups. I also temporarily stepped back from PRO duties with my home Club. As well as resetting my attitude towards cycling I also didn’t have the mental energy to be dealing with people. This is no reflection on the friends I have within the Club, it was all about how I was feeling and I felt that I needed that break from people to reset. Through work I have to put so much energy into relationships with shop owners, sales staff and my own colleagues that I had nothing left at the end of a working day. I did share what I was going through with some of my friends from the Club and got messages of support that meant a lot and really did help, especially when I felt it was time to get back out again.
The first couple of rides took a fair bit of effort to get out and I think that’s part of the reason why I ended up with two weeks off instead of the one I had planned. Once the awkwardness (all in my own head as usual) was out of the way cycling definitely had changed, or rather I had changed. It was back to being more about the fun again. I dropped all my challenges and made it all about getting out again. Now my only aim is to try and get out twice a week where possible and not beat myself up about it when I don’t. I’m cycling regularly with the Club again and especially over the last 6 weeks I’m feeling good, feeling fit and enjoying myself. I’ve also taken back on my PRO duties in the last week or so which is good as someone else was having to cover for me and I didn’t want that going on for much longer.
Hillwalking
The Hiking Club helped too. I hadn’t been out for a Club walk since the middle of November when I’d completed the first phase of the Navigation Training in The Bluestacks. I had a solo hike to Silver Hill in December but until May I hadn’t been in the hills all year.
With Paul’s encouragement I reconnected with the Club and joined them for a hugely enjoyable trip out to Tory Island. I’d never been before and had a great day. It really helped that I knew all the other members pretty well that were out that day and enjoyed their company. A couple of others were also back after a bit of a gap so there was a real sense of welcome for everyone that was out that day. The scenery was amazing, the weather near perfect and we got to see an elusive corncrake, much to the annoyance of the “proper” birdwatchers who were visiting the island and were tortured by their multiple calls but no sightings.
The Hiking Club was a real tonic. I have a very different relationship with these people, much more superficial but supportive in a different way. They barely know me so I was able to relax and enjoy myself a little easier. The welcome back I received was really nice and in addition Joe was encouraging me to attend the second phase of the Navigation Training he was holding the following weekend. I did want to do this but felt awkward as I hadn’t been active in the Club for nearly 6 months but he was adamant that I should attend and I did. Again I enjoyed it a lot and as it was a small group I spent a lot of time talking to Joe. He was clearly lining me up and encouraging me to become a walk leader. This had been at the back of my mind but I didn’t feel that I had the skills for it. Joe’s encouragement and support from Paul at the counselling sessions saw me putting my name forward a few weeks later and when the new calendar came out my name was on it to lead a walk in July along with Joe.
I completed a solo recce walk at the end of May and on 19th July lead the walk with assistance from Joe. It turned out to be a larger than average group of 16 which was a bit daunting but we got everyone up and down safely. I got a real buzz from leading and I’ll definitely be putting my name forward for another one in the Winter calendar. Joe was very complimentary and everyone was full of praise for the route which made me feel really good.
Since then I’ve only had one hike which was at the weekend on a solo recce of the Sliabh League cliff walk. We’re planning a Cycling Club day out on the 15th. We climbed Errigal last year and Sliabh League was suggested for this year. I wanted to walk the route in advance to see how suitable it would be for occasional walkers. Again, it was hugely enjoyable but I can still feel the aches 3 days later! I need to work on my hill fitness!
In a similar fashion to my new approach to cycling I’m not setting any big challenges or targets but I have committed to myself to get out at least once every month on either a Club or solo hike. I miss the hills but only really realise this when I’m in them.
Family News
It has been a pretty eventful few months for our family too. Conor turned 18 in March and did his Leaving Cert in June. He worked hard, didn’t get too stressed about it and although we didn’t have a mad exam-stressed house it was there at the back of everyone’s mind since Easter and the topic of far too many conversations to not have an effect. He finally finished on Friday 19th June and after a weekend of celebrating we headed off on a family holiday to Malta on Monday 22nd.
We went Monday to Monday and stayed in fantastic apartments in a small fishing village called Marsascala on the South West coast. On our first night we had a bit of a panic that it was very quiet but we didn’t arrive until just before 11pm and all the restaurants also close at 11pm! We managed food and a couple of drinks in a takeaway place and did a basic food and drink run in the local Asian shop that stayed open late. Over the next week of consistently hot and sunny days (28-33°C) we totally unwound and relaxed while enjoying trips to Valetta and a few other towns as well as a full day trip cruise along the Maltese coast to Gozo and a stop at the Blue Lagoon on our way back. We ate in a different place every night and had a fantastic time together. It was exactly what all of us needed!
I had hoped to get a hike on Malta, just as I have on the last two holidays, but it was simply too hot. I had planned a 14km coastal walk that started just around the corner from our apartment but when I tried it out with 6km on the Wednesday I realised it wasn’t feasible. I arrived home a sweaty mess with a banging headache that was probably the start of heat stroke and decided to scratch it and just relax. That was a lot easier…
On Tuesday 28th July Catriona and myself celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary. It feels weird hitting that milestone as both of us remember our own parents celebrating the same and at the time they felt so old and we felt so young! No party or anything but we did go out on Sunday night for a lovely meal and a few drinks to spend a voucher bought for us by Catriona’s sister. It was for Jacksons Hotel in Ballybofey where we had our wedding reception so full circle back to where it all started.
The weekend past also marked 21 years since we moved into our house. The first few years we had been living in Letterkenny but we decided we wanted to move out of the town to somewhere quieter to start a family. Our home here meant we would be close to my Mum and Dad, still close to Letterkenny and Catriona’s Mum and Dad and gave us a choice of a number of playschool and National School options for any kids we would have. Catriona was heavily pregnant when we moved in and Owen was born just 6 weeks later on the 14th of September. Of course this means we have a 2nd significant birthday coming up in a few weeks. An 18th, 21st and 25th all in the one year.
Body Issues
Over the last few years I’ve been having progressively worse issues with sleep. I’ve been getting less quality sleep, waking most nights at least once and feeling less and less restored as time went on. This became even more noticeable with my change of job when I started needing a 10min afternoon nap more and more often to avoid falling asleep while driving!
I had put a lot of it down to being generally unsettled and a level of anxiety that wasn’t allowing me to switch off properly. However, back before Xmas I decided to start tracking my sleep and with a month’s worth of data I was able to identify that my overnight stress levels were far too high. Dr Google suggested that this was a significant indicator of sleep apnoea. Combined with my persistent snoring, afternoon sleepiness and a few other symptoms it was pretty clear and my GP agreed. He referred me to the respiratory clinic and back in May I was called for a sleep study. This means wearing a suite of sensors that monitor various body metrics overnight from 11pm to 7am. These were then forwarded to a consultant and in mid-June I was called to the clinic. The consultant informed me that I definitely had sleep apnoea with a score of 16 (<5 is normal, 5-15 is mild, 15-29 is moderate and 30+ is severe) which was significant but not worrying. However, the only way to treat it is with a hugely attractive CPAP machine which I’ve now had for about 3 weeks.
The machine is taking quite a bit of getting used to and I have two versions of the mask as I found the first one a bit annoying. I’m alternating between them and some nights I’m taking it off in my sleep! However, I’m gradually getting used to it. My brother also has one and he said it took him about 6 months to get used to it but he wouldn’t sleep without it now. He had similar scores to me and described it as a life changer! The nights that I do wear it all the way through my score hasn’t been above 2 so it’s definitely having an impact.
Incidentally that score I initially thought was apnoea events during the night. At the mask fitting the nurse informed me that it’s the number of events per hour which I found pretty shocking!
On a much more positive note last Friday, after a 26 year break I finally got another tattoo! This one has been in the mix for at least 5 years and possibly longer. I’ve been ruminating on different designs off and on but in the last few months the idea started to gain a bit more momentum and then I eventually found a design that I really liked.
The exploded compass design grabbed me as it’s very different to almost all other compass tattoos that I’ve seen and the outdoor theme really suits me I feel. I then added the designs below which are Catriona and the boys’ names in ogham which is an ancient celtic script in which old Irish was first written. It’s purposely done quite rough to mimic the ogham examples that have survived from ancient time as they are mostly carved in rock.
Altogether, it took just over an hour and hurt far less than I remembered from my earlier tattoos. A combination of modern needles and guns and the fact that it is mostly fine linework with very little shading. Overall I’m absolutely delighted with it and have one or two more ideas rattling around in my head.
What’s Ahead?
Despite a couple of wobbles and a bit of a struggle to get back in a steady groove since the holidays I’m feeling in a pretty good place and in fact, writing this post has helped me a lot. I’ve missed blogging and want to get back to regular posting again. I’m going to aim for a minimum of two posts per month and see how that goes. I really like the weekly style that Unironedman and OMIL produce but that might just be a wee bit adventurous for now. I also really like the monthly recaps that Rootchopper produces so I figure that every two weeks would be a good compromise.
As part of my counselling Paul suggested keeping a journal. Not a digital one, but a pen and paper one. Over the last few weeks I’ve been looking at the various different systems out there and I quite like the Bullet Journal approach. I’ve adopted most of the principles of that but have tweaked it to be more like the Life Tracker system (basically a Bullet Journal rip-off). I’m still trying to get into the habit of using it but I’m getting there, trying not to force it too much and let it grow on me. It’s definitely very useful for tracking stuff though like To-Do lists, important dates and events and activities such as cycling, walking, books, TV shows and any recommendations I get. It’s very easy to get distracted by the phone and the idea behind pen and paper is that everything is in the one place. Writing forces you to slow down and think more and it removes the temptation to doom scroll and waste time on useless shit. I’m also hoping that journaling will help stimulate me to blog more often and more easily.
If you’re curious about the post title it’s a track by Bonnie Tyler. She passed away a short time ago and this was her follow-up to the massive hit “Total Eclipse of the Heart” . I like it as it fits my post but it was also featured on “Heaven and Hell” which was a compilation album with Meatloaf. I had that on a pirate knock-off cassette and pretty much wore it out. Back in the days when I had 15-20 cassette albums and thought I was made for life!
niall harran 